Your call is very important to us.
D. K. Wall:How many times have I heard those words while waiting for a human being to answer the phone? Held hostage by soul stealing music and the fading hope a friendly customer service rep may appear. I'm left listening to a looping, meaningless assurance.
D. K. Wall:Your call is very important to us.
D. K. Wall:All I think each and every time I hear that phrase is no, my call isn't important. If it were, you'd hire enough humans to answer the phone.
D. K. Wall:Look. I get it. Somewhere in the bowels of corporate offices, finance people dream up clever cost saving ideas. They generate giant Excel spreadsheets, huddle around conference tables, and draw graphs on whiteboards.
D. K. Wall:I know this because I used to be one of them. So proud of my calculations when my paycheck depended on squeezing every last penny out of a flood of processes.
D. K. Wall:But once I left the world of committee meetings and process improvement teams, I saw the insanity of it all. The equations all left out the human side. The frustration of customers who desperately just want things to work.
D. K. Wall:I hoped the ones who followed in my footsteps would be wiser than I had been. I held out hope that it would get better.
D. K. Wall:It hasn't. They dreamed up cost savings far more evil than I ever imagined. Eternal hold wasn't sinister enough.
D. K. Wall:They've created the automated attendant. And I am a bloodied and bruised victim.
D. K. Wall:For reasons known only to the silicon gods, my bank stopped letting me download my credit card transactions into my personal finance software.
D. K. Wall:I know many of you scoff at my need to track every expense. But remember, I am a recovering accountant.
D. K. Wall:I'd say I keep every receipt from Starbucks, but I'm too cheap to pay for overpriced coffee. My liquid caffeine comes from the grocery store aisle. I have the receipts to prove it.
D. K. Wall:So, yes, not being able to download those transactions was creating real friction in my carefully balanced life.
D. K. Wall:Technically, the capability existed. A cute little button read click here to download your transactions. Only the button no longer worked. No amount of pushing, punching, smashing, or bashing changed that fact.
D. K. Wall:It wasn't a one time glitch either. It hadn't worked for weeks, forcing me to enter each line by hand. Go ahead, snicker, but I'll have my data. Thank you.
D. K. Wall:When I logged in this week, I noticed a little box in the corner of my screen. A friendly little face smiled with the word chat, boldly calling me. I felt a flicker of hope.
D. K. Wall:Silly me. When I clicked, a dialog box popped up with the phrase, hi. I'm Sydney, your friendly bank's virtual assistant.
D. K. Wall:I'll admit, I was slightly put off. I had been expecting a person or at the very least, a machine pretending to be a person.
D. K. Wall:But Sydney made no attempt to hide her bits and bytes. She was all circuitry and cold efficiency, and she proved it with her very next line. This chat may be monitored and recorded for quality purposes. How may I help you?
D. K. Wall:I was desperate, so I typed. The link I click to download my transactions isn't working.
D. K. Wall:I'm sorry you're having trouble downloading your transactions, Sydney began in a helpful tone. And then it all went downhill. To download your transactions, simply click the link on your screen.
D. K. Wall:I explain slowly as if to a small child, the link is grayed out. It doesn't work. It won't let me download anything.
D. K. Wall:I'm sorry you're having trouble downloading your transactions, Sydney replied, confident as ever. To download your transactions. Simply click the link on your screen.
D. K. Wall:My fingers flew across the keyboard. I did click the blasted link. You rusted pile of circuit boards and memory chips. It doesn't work.
D. K. Wall:I might not have used the word blasted. I might have used several words that weren't blasted. I might have discussed far more of Sydney's internal components than a few misfiring electronics.
D. K. Wall:For all I know, Sydney was dangerously close to filing a harassment complaint against me.
D. K. Wall:But no matter my language, no matter my attempts to explain, she had exactly one move and she stuck with it like the one trick pony she was.
D. K. Wall:I'm sorry. You're having trouble downloading your transactions to download your transactions. Simply click the link on your screen.
D. K. Wall:I wept And then, I resorted to the magic words. May I please speak to a human?
D. K. Wall:Please, because, well, I had been cursing this robot for several minutes and it occurred to me that she might have the power to tinker with my account. Best to stay on her good side.
D. K. Wall:Her friendly words appeared on the screen. Yes, of course. But first, please rate my response. Your input is valuable.
D. K. Wall:I gave Sydney my lowest possible score. She was unperturbed. Sorry, you're dissatisfied to speak to a customer service representative. Please dial 1-800...
D. K. Wall:I let out a sigh. So no human would join the chat. But, on the bright side, at least I had a number. A secret number. A number that appeared nowhere on the bank's website.
D. K. Wall:I dialed. A mechanical voice answered, assured me my call was important, and then offered what felt like two hundred sixty seven options to choose from.
D. K. Wall:None of them fit my problem. So I asked it to repeat the list and picked the closest one.
D. K. Wall:A new mechanical voice chimed in and asked me to describe my issue using natural language as opposed to unnatural language, I guessed, whatever that was. The link I clicked to download my transactions isn't working.
D. K. Wall:Thank you. It intoned helpfully. I'm sorry you're having trouble downloading your transactions. To download your transactions. Simply click the link on your screen.
D. K. Wall:I took a deep breath and gripped the phone. No, you don't understand. I've clicked the link. I've begged the computer. I've prayed. Nothing works.
D. K. Wall:That same monotone voice replied. I understand. I'm sorry. You're having trouble downloading your transactions. To download your transactions, simply click the link on your screen.
D. K. Wall:I swung for the fences. May I please speak to a human?
D. K. Wall:I understand you wish to speak to a human. Before we do that, please click the link on your screen to download your transactions.
D. K. Wall:Listen, you stupid computer. I've clicked the link. It doesn't work. Please let me speak to a human.
D. K. Wall:I understand you wish to speak to a human. Before we try that, please click the link to download your transactions.
D. K. Wall:I punched 0. I didn't know if it would work, but it made me feel better. It was as close as I could come to punching the mechanical demon on the other end of the line. I punched 0 again and again and again.
D. K. Wall:After some period of time, maybe 267 punches, the computer surrendered. I am transferring your call to a customer service representative. Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.
D. K. Wall:By now, my ever patient partner in life had wandered into my study, drawn by the sounds of a grown man disintegrating into madness.
D. K. Wall:I explained my frustration. I cursed the entire digital world. I ranted every disgusted thought in my frazzled brain, never once stopping to consider that every word I uttered was being blasted live over the phone line.
D. K. Wall:Until A warm cheerful laugh filled my ears. Nothing mechanical in that laugh. On the other end of the line was an actual breathing human being.
D. K. Wall:And the first thing she said was. I agree. I hate calling those stupid things. They never tell you what you actually need.
D. K. Wall:But when they say your call may be recorded, they are totally honest. That bit about the rusted pile of circuit boards was classic. Now, how may I help you?
D. K. Wall:We laughed. We chatted. She couldn't fix my problem, but she promised to file a request to have someone look into it.
D. K. Wall:And you know what? I was okay with that. A little old fashioned corporate bureaucracy didn't bother me because an actual human being had heard me, sympathized with me, treated me like a person and not a malfunctioning link.
D. K. Wall:For a minute, just a minute, I felt like my call really was important to them.
D. K. Wall:Then we hung up. I stared at my computer screen. At that same grayed out link,
D. K. Wall:I centered my keyboard on my desk, and I manually entered each transaction line by line.